I’m noticing lately I’m receiving a lot of advice.   Maybe I look like I really need it?!   Part of it is where my life is, there are a lot of big decisions to be made, and people are never short on opinions when it comes to how other people should live their lives.  Have you noticed this? 

As a coach, people often mistakenly believe my job is to give other people advice.  I find this hilarious.  My clients are almost without exception CEO’s and are almost always old enough to be my father… why would they seek my advice?  (Um… they wouldn’t.)  My job is really to ask questions.  Powerful questions that help people make shifts in their thinking, and doing.  People almost never change the way they operate based on information and they almost NEVER change the way they operate based on advice.  True growth, change, and decisions come from within.  From within, you get in touch with that little voice, and your instincts that guide you on your own life’s path.  When listening from within, some people think they hear the voice of God, or are guided by angels, or are getting in touch with their higher self…but I’m not overly concerned with what people think about it.  I am convinced that people act more authentically when operating from this place.  Great strides can be taken from this place of instinct and truth.  Great questions, in my experience, can be the vehicle that takes you there.

And that’s why advice is so futile, and so inherently arrogant.  To presume for one moment that your opinion is more important than the truth of another is… the hallmark sign that your ego is in need of a good body-check.  And it’s ineffective because unless and until a path forward is aligned with ones deepest sense of truth, values, and intended impact, it will inevitably be ineffective- period.

Now mind you, I know, people give advice because they care.  It’s just a misplaced use of energy is all. And the irony I can’t help but notice is how the more a person fails in an area of life, the more inclined they are to offer advice on that topic. People who give martial advice almost always have really dysfunctional marriages, and people who give unsolicited business advice, often, aren’t doing much business themselves. I had a guy chastise me just last night for not wearing a helmet while riding my horse in my hay field.  The fact that head-trauma induced death on equines is pretty rare, didn’t dissuade his advice.    “I’m more likely to break my neck” I protested.  “All the more reason to wear a helmet!” He retorted.  “Um… helmets don’t protect the neck…”  I pointed out.  He shook his head and walked on down the long, dirt road.  

This principle of the blind leading the naive stuck me first when I was trying to survive raising a colicky baby and I got onto the support boards for people whose babies wouldn’t sleep.  After reading post after post, trying EVERYTHING I realized none of it worked.  Eventually I thought, “why are all these people, none of whom can get their babies to sleep, giving each other advice on how to get a baby to sleep!?”  I felt so stupid. 

The most valuable source of support you can ever, ever give is to sit, ask, listen, and do your best to understand.  In those conversations you help the other to clarify their own thinking and feelings as well.  And maybe your insights are something they will invite.  And if so, you can certainly share what has been true for you, but it is unwise to give unsolicited advice.  Not mean, not evil, just unwise. 

I joked once with a friend that the window was closed for receiving advice.  Truly, like at the drive-thru window, “I’m sorry sir, this window is closed!”  It was truthful, I really didn’t want to hear one more opinion from anyone (least of all the person talking).  I found it effective, he stopped talking immediately and actually shifted to offering emotional support instead which was a better use of time altogether.

The closest relationships I have are with those that listen from a place of wisdom which precludes bringing their agendas to conversations about my life.  I treasure those people not so much for their knowledge, but for their wisdom.  Be wise… save the advice.