40 Days in the Dessert: The Dark Side of Gratitude Part II

There is a perspective as a coach which is a true gift to behold.  Objective observer.  I have the true privilege of watching the sometimes raw process of the human experience, from a healthily detached perspective.  It has taught me more than any education, training, or life-experience could; the ability to get straight into the big picture, to witness this human process in all its complexity with pure curiosity and steadfast hope.  I’ve seen and heard it all, I think- having done this work for many years.  And each thing I’ve seen and heard has taught me more about life as it truly exists- not as it exists in fairy tales, on television, or in self-help books.  Rather, life as it truly exists, in unified truths, patterns, and processes.

I had a friend once, many years ago, in the depths of a spiritual crisis.  As pieces of his identity and beliefs fell away, and new, more authentic and empowered aspects of his identity were clawing their way to the surface, he was amerced in the most frightening time of his life, and the veracity of his transformation screamed that the work he was doing on his life was overdue.  He emailed once, in a particularly vulnerable place and referenced this time in his life as his 40 Days in the Dessert, a Biblical reference of a time of great suffering and despair.

What I knew then, but understand more fully now, is that times of deep identity or spiritual crisis (is there really a difference?) are terrifying.  All things known disappear, and the process of the newness of self or life emerge and it can be an inch away from terrifying.  Questions dominate the 40 days.  Who am I?  Why am I here?  What’s this going to do to my life?  What does this mean?  Where will I end up when the dust settles?  The 40 days can be brought on not just by rapid periods of growth, but by death, divorce, job loss, and more.  It is a dark time for self-discovery, reflection, and re-invention.

I had my own 40 days not long ago- or my most recent one anyway.  And the 40 days were really more like a year.  As I emerged from my 40 days, I remember speaking with my coach, a brilliant, wise woman whom I adore.  I lamented to her how embarrassed I was to have even had a 40 days.  Wasn’t I done having those?!  It was ugly, I was a wreck, and I was embarrassed to have struggled so deeply, with so much, for so long.  Now mind you, I’m totally ok with everyone else’s 40 days.  The good, the bad, the ugly… it’s so ok for me to witness and work with and I don’t have any judgment about any of it.  Its easy for me to be with because after all these years of doing this work, I  KNOW, without question, what follows the forty days, -a period of grace where new truths emerge, a stronger more resilient, more wise, more grounded, more authentic person inevitably emerges.  Properly embraced, the 40 days yield beautiful gifts of growth and transformation.  I’ve never NOT seen tremendous gifts follow the 40 days, no matter how long they last. 

Still- I was ashamed of my 40 days.  I take great pride in my strength, it is hard for me to accept it when I’m feeling all things except strength.

She said, wise as she is, “do you think my periods of growth that have led me to be the wise woman that I am, looked any more attractive than yours?”  “They didn’t.’  They were just as dark and unattractive.  That’s how it looks for everyone. It’s the messiness that causes growth… not the pretty stuff!” 

And I got it.  I didn’t like it.  But I got it.

I still don’t look back at my 40 days with glee.  I never will; the days were dark and they were l-o-n-g.  But in the way I embrace my clients, and friend’s 40 Days with empathy, compassion, and an utter understanding for the real form human growth shows up in, I slowly begin to accept my own 40 days. 

As you reflect on the dark days of your life, I hope you can see now the beauty that emerged… eventually.  Relish those gifts- the hardest won, are indeed, the most valuable.

Only from the darkest of mud ~ will the Lotus Flower grow.