Solstice Coaching Blog

There are common themes that emerge when working with clients.  Often it is around an idea of trying something different, and getting outside of a comfort zone.  When people desire to get outside that comfort zone (be it to start a business, take on a new skill set, or leave an unfulfilling relationship) the same thing happens to each of us, no matter how big or small the thing we are considering:  monkey mind kicks in.  And the clinical/physiological reasons for it are fascinating (and maybe I’ll write about those too someday) but here’s the bottom line: the monkey mind swings from worry to doubt and from doubt to worry and nothing- NOTHING gets done- (unless of course you get that monkey mind back under control).  The interesting thing, the comforting thing, is that the monkey mind is universal.  All people in all cultures experience the worry and doubt when a big idea needs to be made real.   

And as the monkey swings from worry to doubt, the smallest vision of who you really are comes straight to the surface and even the most confident among us can suddenly fear that they are too stupid, too untalented, too (fill in the blank) to do whatever big thing it is that drove them to experience the monkey mind in the first place.  It’s because of this that I believe so many people are change averse, and settle for work, relationships, and lives that don’t fulfill them.  That’s why when clients experience the monkey mind I’m actually pretty happy about it because it’s a GOOD sign that they are up to something worthwhile.

The big difference therefore, between those who get more (meaning, success, fulfillment) and those who settle for far less, is learning to manage the monkey mind.  Here are two things I’ve observed that are helpful:

·         Cough it up.  Because the monkey mind swings from one thing to another with great gusto, you can take most of the gusto out of that swing by simply bringing the fear out into the light of day.  Say it out loud, or write it out on paper.  Write out each and every fear and give yourself full permission to express even the silly ones.  For example, if a client wants a different job that they would actually love but that has less income security, the fear, when coughed up, may look like this:  “I’m not sure I’m organized enough to handle the position.  And if I’m not, I may not make enough money, and then what if my spouse loses her job and then we can’t pay our bills and then we would be homeless on the street and I would be so ashamed I’d die.  And then they’d die because who would be left to take care of them?  I think I need to just stay where I am.”  And this may seem like hyperbole but honestly, when given free rein to cough up their worries and fears until the last dirty detail is exposed, truly smart, normal, rational people think this way.  This is monkey mind, doing its thing. 

Once exposed most people feel relieved, calm, grounded, and able to think more clearly.  They can see the simple strategies that evade them when the monkey mind is on the rampage… like saving up for 6 months to provide a financial cushion so they can take the risk (with a safety net) and get out of the job they are miserable in and get into the one they might love.  It’s not rocket science but simple things are hard to see when you are rattled by worry and doubt.  Know  that monkey mind is normal and universal. See it for what it is and remember that you are more than the sum of your worries and fears.

·         Take action.  So often people who want to take on something big want to wait and wait and wait to figure out HOW instead of just getting started.  I remember when I started my business I didn’t have a clue what I was doing.  Had I waited and waited until I had all the information I needed to start I’d still be waiting because ten years later, I’m still figuring things out.  But someone special gave me a kick in the pants, so I printed up some cheesy $26 business cards, signed up for some training and bam… SCC was born.  And that’s not to say that planning isn’t important.  I do strategic planning at least once a year and that’s all fine and good but once you have a sense of what you want, do something, anything, one tiny baby step to get rolling and get rolling already.  Eventually you find all of the pieces to create your path with, but if you are waiting for them to show up on your door step it’s going to be a loooooong wait.

My greatest wish for anyone reading this is that you have monkey mind more often.  If you are stretching yourself, and playing a bigger game, you’ll get monkey mind all the time and that’s a good thing.  I also wish you great resourcefulness in managing that monkey mind so that you can take action on that goal or dream that you’ve been holding out on. 

There have been many books written about toxic people.  Toxic, as in “poisonous,” “highly dysfunctional,” or “could slowly kill you by sucking all the oxygen (and your will to live) right out the window.”  You may have had a toxic parent growing up (and I’m sorry if you did).  You may have had a toxic spouse (I hope you divorced them if you did).  You could have had a toxic colleague at some point in your career.  And maybe, just maybe, you have a toxic boss (and if so, this is written just for you). Toxic bosses go beyond the realm of the inept and uninspiring and crossover into the dark land of malice.  This can show up as a boss who is manipulative, passive aggressive, hostile, verbally or emotionally abusive.  This is the boss who steals your ideas and parades them as his or her own.  The boss who threatens and insults subordinates openly (or behind closed doors).  This is the boss who relies on fear rather than respect to gain compliance. This boss lies, cheats and steals.  This boss harasses.  This is the boss who stabs people in the back.  This is… the boss from hell.   So what do you do if you have a toxic boss?  What are the best strategies for bringing out the best in him or her?  How to you manage to stay sane, despite the insanity of his or her behavior?    You don’t.  You look for another job. 

And this may seem like defeatist advice but here’s the truth about toxic people.  1.  You can’t change them.  People can only change if they want to and toxic people usually have too many screws loose to see that the big problem they have with everything and everyone is staring at them in the mirror each morning.  They are so self-important and diluted that they cannot (or will not) put effort into changing because they can’t even see that they are dysfunctional.  And believe me, this is hard to say because I believe in change and I believe in people.  Unfortunately, toxic people are happy being miserable, and they seldom want to give it up.   2.  The impact a toxic boss can have on your life is incredible.  We spend more time at work than we do with our families and people suffering under a toxic boss often can’t leave the stress of it at work.  That stress impacts health, drive, motivation, sense of security, sense of identity… not to mention how all of that stuff comes home and affects the family.  The ultimate price you pay, is not worth any pay check.  Even if you have to take a pay cut, better to live more modestly and happily than to be able to afford comforts you’re too wigged-out to enjoy.  3.  Toxic attracts toxic (because like attracts like).  A toxic leader will not attract or retain the best, or brightest people.  Over time the workforce under a toxic boss will get worse and worse because only the foolish, desperate or masochistic will stay forever.  Over time toxic bosses create toxic companies, and toxic companies can last an a-m-a-z-i-n-g-l-y long time, but not forever.  Get out while the getting is good. You might, on the other hand, have a really great boss.  A boss you like, respect, or a boss that inspires you to be great everyday.  If that is the case, hold on to that job with both hands. 

They say the world is merely a reflection of ourselves.  This shows up in all kinds of ways from projecting the good (and especially the bad) aspects we see in ourselves onto others.  We admire perfect strangers for their confidence, all the while overlooking the confidence that exists in us.  We lash out at a loved one for their impatience, not knowing we only lash out because we find our own impatience unlovable.  The happy, see love everywhere, the sad, see only despair.  The world in many ways… is a mirror of our own inner world.

My mirror?  My computer.  I bought it two years ago.  When I bought it, I must admit I splurged.  It was a top of the line, feather light, high powered lap top with… get this… a camera built in for video taping.  Video taping what… I didn’t know… but it could, and that was really the point.  It was shiny and new and it has pretty buttons that glow blue.  It was love at first sight, for this computer and me.  I LOVED it. 

But as we’ve gotten to know each other better I’ve grown increasingly dissatisfied, and find myself dreaming of a desk top.  I justify buying another computer in many ways, but mostly by focusing on what I don’t like about the laptop. 

1.  It doesn’t really like to be told what to do…. I can tell by the way it has to think about everything I ask of it.  And after thinking about it for several moments, it sometimes does., and sometimes doesn’t do what I want it to do. 

2.  It questions me incessantly…. And it’s beginning to undermine my confidence.  “Are you sure you want to close this program?”  “Are you sure you want to quit?”   “Are you sure you want to go to this website?”  “YES!  YES, I’M QUITE SURE, ACTUALLY!”  What’s with all the questions???!!!  It must think I’m an idiot. 

3.  My computer is s-l-o-w. 

4.  My computer doesn’t like to multi task. If I ask too much of it at once, not only does it become obstinate, sometimes it totally freaks and shuts itself down completely.  My computer seems easily overwhelmed. 

5.  My computer’s speakers don’t do my music justice.  The Foo Fighters are my favorite band… and there are moments when you really need your chest to rattle to get the full effect of their music.  Not always, but sometimes.  I need my music to thrill me.  To move me… wow me.  My computer can’t quite take me there.

6.  My computer is aging.  I know, I know, when I bought it, it was top of the line.  But now… it’s kind of a dinosaur.  And it’s showing it’s age…. the dent in the side from when I dropped it in an airport while trying to take off my shoes, chug the last of my coffee, and not tick off the ever charming security folks.    

As you can see, I have a long list of complaints, but am I just projecting my own stuff onto my laptop?  Is it really me that’s rapidly aging (and showing it)?  Am I unable to multi-task? Am I too slow?  Am I resistant to being told what to do?  Do I always have to think about things?  Do I question everything?  Yes.  Yes.  Yes.  Yes.  Yes.  Yes.… and Yes.   

I guess what they say is true, we do project ourselves onto the world.

Or I need a Mac. 

I’m noticing lately I’m receiving a lot of advice.   Maybe I look like I really need it?!   Part of it is where my life is, there are a lot of big decisions to be made, and people are never short on opinions when it comes to how other people should live their lives.  Have you noticed this? 

As a coach, people often mistakenly believe my job is to give other people advice.  I find this hilarious.  My clients are almost without exception CEO’s and are almost always old enough to be my father… why would they seek my advice?  (Um… they wouldn’t.)  My job is really to ask questions.  Powerful questions that help people make shifts in their thinking, and doing.  People almost never change the way they operate based on information and they almost NEVER change the way they operate based on advice.  True growth, change, and decisions come from within.  From within, you get in touch with that little voice, and your instincts that guide you on your own life’s path.  When listening from within, some people think they hear the voice of God, or are guided by angels, or are getting in touch with their higher self…but I’m not overly concerned with what people think about it.  I am convinced that people act more authentically when operating from this place.  Great strides can be taken from this place of instinct and truth.  Great questions, in my experience, can be the vehicle that takes you there.

And that’s why advice is so futile, and so inherently arrogant.  To presume for one moment that your opinion is more important than the truth of another is… the hallmark sign that your ego is in need of a good body-check.  And it’s ineffective because unless and until a path forward is aligned with ones deepest sense of truth, values, and intended impact, it will inevitably be ineffective- period.

Now mind you, I know, people give advice because they care.  It’s just a misplaced use of energy is all. And the irony I can’t help but notice is how the more a person fails in an area of life, the more inclined they are to offer advice on that topic. People who give martial advice almost always have really dysfunctional marriages, and people who give unsolicited business advice, often, aren’t doing much business themselves. I had a guy chastise me just last night for not wearing a helmet while riding my horse in my hay field.  The fact that head-trauma induced death on equines is pretty rare, didn’t dissuade his advice.    “I’m more likely to break my neck” I protested.  “All the more reason to wear a helmet!” He retorted.  “Um… helmets don’t protect the neck…”  I pointed out.  He shook his head and walked on down the long, dirt road.  

This principle of the blind leading the naive stuck me first when I was trying to survive raising a colicky baby and I got onto the support boards for people whose babies wouldn’t sleep.  After reading post after post, trying EVERYTHING I realized none of it worked.  Eventually I thought, “why are all these people, none of whom can get their babies to sleep, giving each other advice on how to get a baby to sleep!?”  I felt so stupid. 

The most valuable source of support you can ever, ever give is to sit, ask, listen, and do your best to understand.  In those conversations you help the other to clarify their own thinking and feelings as well.  And maybe your insights are something they will invite.  And if so, you can certainly share what has been true for you, but it is unwise to give unsolicited advice.  Not mean, not evil, just unwise. 

I joked once with a friend that the window was closed for receiving advice.  Truly, like at the drive-thru window, “I’m sorry sir, this window is closed!”  It was truthful, I really didn’t want to hear one more opinion from anyone (least of all the person talking).  I found it effective, he stopped talking immediately and actually shifted to offering emotional support instead which was a better use of time altogether.

The closest relationships I have are with those that listen from a place of wisdom which precludes bringing their agendas to conversations about my life.  I treasure those people not so much for their knowledge, but for their wisdom.  Be wise… save the advice.

There is a lot of confusion these days about coaching and how it differs from consulting, and other helping fields.  And it’s no wonder.  Coaching is one of the fastest growing industries and as such is suffering from two major growing pains.  1.  Though an international governing body (International Coach Federation) does regulate credentialing, training, certification, and ethical standards for the industry, there is no law that requires a “coach” to be credentialed, or even to be trained.  A high school drop-out, literally, can market themselves as any kind of coach they want.  2.  As a high dollar industry ($200-$1000 per hour or more), the market, nationally, is flooded with individuals selling snake oil and bad advice at a premium price.  Certified coaches, in truth, are in the stark minority.   

What is Coaching?

It’s a non-directive, one on one, professional process that helps individuals clarify values, strengths and priorities.  Coaches help clients figure out what they want (in any area of their life), set goals for getting there, and help them overcome the obstacles (like fear, lack of resources or support) that get in their way.  Coaches help clients restore life balance, find fulfillment in work and in life, and reduce stress and anxiety while achieving (and often earning) more. It’s a ‘work smarter, not harder’ philosophy. Coaches do not give advice, or fix problems for their clients.  Rather, they tap into the knowledge the client already has or helps them figure out where their knowledge gaps or blind spots are.  Coaching is a vein of psychology, often referred to as the “psychology of happiness”, “positive psychology” or “the psychology of high performance.”  Coaches won’t analyze your childhood or try to help you figure why you are the way you are.  They will help you figure out where you want to go from here.  And if the coach is good (and you do the work)… you will actually get there.  Because results are most often quite dramatic, most progressive companies, at this point, have a coaching firm on retainer to work with leaders and professionals, just as they would have a psychologist on retainer via an employee assistance program.   Expect intense individual  impact and 500-600% ROI. 

What to look for.

Credentials.  A certified coach will have upwards of 400 hours of training, at least 100 hours of actual coaching experience.  They will have been supervised in their work, and should have passed a thorough written and performance exam.  Remember it’s a vein of psychology- you wouldn’t open up your chest to a surgeon who had no training, you should not open up your life to a coach with no training either.  A certified coach will always have, for example,  MCC, ACC, PCC, or CPCC after his/her name.  These credentials are good in any niche of coaching. MA, MS, MBA, or PHD are not coaching credentials.

Compatibility.  People, like chemicals, bring out different qualities in one another.  Two people meet and there is harmony or they “click”.  Two others meet and there is instant distain- certainly you’ve observed this in your own life.  Look for a coach who you like, who makes you feel comfortable, and who (on a gut level) you absolutely trust.  Expect your coach to want to feel the same way about you.   Try to work with a firm with multiple coaches to choose from, or sample many different coaches and/or firms before committing to one.  Of the coaches who have great word of mouth, which one do you feel most comfortable with?

Consulting: What is it?

Consulting is, in a way, the opposite of coaching (which is confusing since so many consultants call themselves coaches and many firms (like ours) do both.  Consulting is straightforward expert advice, or training.  It could be engaging someone to walk you through the strategic planning process, or paying an experienced business person to look over a potential merger for you.  It can be communication skills training for 100 people, or it can be one person telling another, how/when to make a financial move.  Bottom line is, consulting is information from an expert (either by training, experience, or education) conveyed to another or multiple others.  Expect accurate, credible, and effective knowledge/information transfer.   This may or may not equate to skill transfer, depending on how it is conducted.  Listening to someone talk about something for an hour will result in skill transfer in less than 3% of participants.  

What to look for. 

Consulting can take on so many forms, what you look for will vary.  Bottom line: outstanding credentials.  These can be in the form of education (usually an MA, MS, MBA or PhD) and /or specific, solid, successful business experience and expertise. Keep in mind, bio’s are very easy to inflate.  Professionals can have really, very lackluster credentials but can sound quite good on paper.  Ask very specific questions about breadth and depth of experience, education and training, and always ask for references you can talk to.  Quotes on a website are great, but can you call John Smith of Acme Corp on the phone?  Happy, loyal clients will always take time to speak with others considering using the same vendor- ask the consultant for actual names and numbers.

Most people enter helping fields because they care about others, and want to make a difference.  We are fortunate that there are a number of great coaches and consultants across our region.  Armed with enough information to know what to ask, and what to expect, you’re more likely to have a positive experience.  Keep in mind, even if you aren’t 100% sure which tool you should employ, an ethical professional will always tell you if they aren’t the best fit for your needs.  Be wary of professionals who try to be everything to everyone.

40 Days in the Dessert: The Dark Side of Gratitude Part II

There is a perspective as a coach which is a true gift to behold.  Objective observer.  I have the true privilege of watching the sometimes raw process of the human experience, from a healthily detached perspective.  It has taught me more than any education, training, or life-experience could; the ability to get straight into the big picture, to witness this human process in all its complexity with pure curiosity and steadfast hope.  I’ve seen and heard it all, I think- having done this work for many years.  And each thing I’ve seen and heard has taught me more about life as it truly exists- not as it exists in fairy tales, on television, or in self-help books.  Rather, life as it truly exists, in unified truths, patterns, and processes.

I had a friend once, many years ago, in the depths of a spiritual crisis.  As pieces of his identity and beliefs fell away, and new, more authentic and empowered aspects of his identity were clawing their way to the surface, he was amerced in the most frightening time of his life, and the veracity of his transformation screamed that the work he was doing on his life was overdue.  He emailed once, in a particularly vulnerable place and referenced this time in his life as his 40 Days in the Dessert, a Biblical reference of a time of great suffering and despair.

What I knew then, but understand more fully now, is that times of deep identity or spiritual crisis (is there really a difference?) are terrifying.  All things known disappear, and the process of the newness of self or life emerge and it can be an inch away from terrifying.  Questions dominate the 40 days.  Who am I?  Why am I here?  What’s this going to do to my life?  What does this mean?  Where will I end up when the dust settles?  The 40 days can be brought on not just by rapid periods of growth, but by death, divorce, job loss, and more.  It is a dark time for self-discovery, reflection, and re-invention.

I had my own 40 days not long ago- or my most recent one anyway.  And the 40 days were really more like a year.  As I emerged from my 40 days, I remember speaking with my coach, a brilliant, wise woman whom I adore.  I lamented to her how embarrassed I was to have even had a 40 days.  Wasn’t I done having those?!  It was ugly, I was a wreck, and I was embarrassed to have struggled so deeply, with so much, for so long.  Now mind you, I’m totally ok with everyone else’s 40 days.  The good, the bad, the ugly… it’s so ok for me to witness and work with and I don’t have any judgment about any of it.  Its easy for me to be with because after all these years of doing this work, I  KNOW, without question, what follows the forty days, -a period of grace where new truths emerge, a stronger more resilient, more wise, more grounded, more authentic person inevitably emerges.  Properly embraced, the 40 days yield beautiful gifts of growth and transformation.  I’ve never NOT seen tremendous gifts follow the 40 days, no matter how long they last. 

Still- I was ashamed of my 40 days.  I take great pride in my strength, it is hard for me to accept it when I’m feeling all things except strength.

She said, wise as she is, “do you think my periods of growth that have led me to be the wise woman that I am, looked any more attractive than yours?”  “They didn’t.’  They were just as dark and unattractive.  That’s how it looks for everyone. It’s the messiness that causes growth… not the pretty stuff!” 

And I got it.  I didn’t like it.  But I got it.

I still don’t look back at my 40 days with glee.  I never will; the days were dark and they were l-o-n-g.  But in the way I embrace my clients, and friend’s 40 Days with empathy, compassion, and an utter understanding for the real form human growth shows up in, I slowly begin to accept my own 40 days. 

As you reflect on the dark days of your life, I hope you can see now the beauty that emerged… eventually.  Relish those gifts- the hardest won, are indeed, the most valuable.

Only from the darkest of mud ~ will the Lotus Flower grow.

I saw a red-tailed hawk flying above me in our hay field today while I was riding one of our horses. Clear blue sky as his back-drop, he soared for minutes above me, surveying the fields below. And, for that moment, I was transfixed as he circled above me, flashing his white wings donned with an ornate black pattern underneath. FREEDOM is the only word that comes to my mind when I see such creatures. Absolute freedom. I felt gratitude, I felt inspired, and truth be told I felt a little envious as well.

I am not this free, and most of the people I know aren’t either. There are times, as a mother, wife, business owner (insert any of the many roles you fulfill here) where I know for certain I’m not nearly as free as I once was. My phones remind me as they ring throughout the day. My email reminds me that real people with real needs await my actual response. I see the house I live in, the horses who need fed twice a day, the dog, the cats, friends, the stuff that needs cleaned, the bills that need paid, the staff that needs direction, and the children who need absolutely everything. I am not all that free.

I remember in college and grad school having a rule that I would never own anything that didn’t fit in my 1984 Chevy Celebrity Station wagon. I moved frequently back then from place to place, dropping out of college from time to time to travel. Trains, busses, hitch-hiking to Ithaca college to hang out with theater people for a while who were working winter-stock theater. Driving to California with a girlfriend the year after to look for the work we ultimately failed to get. I hooked up with some Buddhists there who taught me many things before I decided to come back to Indiana to complete my degree. My girlfriend traveled north to Seattle with some friends and I was left to make the 20+ hour drive home alone. I remember calling my dad and asking him to come make the drive home with me … that there was a plane-ticket waiting for him at the airport if he would just come to keep me company for the long drive home. We drove that manual Chevy home without a clutch which went out somewhere in Nevada … stressful to say the least but an all-around great memory of singing Carley Simon’s “Mocking Bird” at the top of our lungs and push starting the car at every mandatory refuel.

And there was a trip to Paris I made for next to nothing where I stayed with some girls I didn’t know when my Venezualian friend and travel companion was deported for landing without a Visa. I got by on the one word I still knew in French … “café” as I drank espresso, and smoked cigarettes and read Leo Buscaglia books in the cafés. I met some Arabs there who I could converse with in Spanish, our only shared language. We talked politics and I was amazed at how much more they knew about the world than I did. They’d spent time in Cuba, Paris, and the Middle East. Their world view impressed me. They were the warmest, warmest people I’d ever met. In sum, they fed me for nearly a week and kept their pub open late for my friends and me so we could drink wine and play the juke box when we ran out of money to do anything else. They got us a pass into a club frequented by American models working in Paris. It was the first time I realized that models without makeup aren’t very pretty, and that I truly hate club music.

Finally, the trip I made solo to the Outer Banks, where I had vacationed as a child. I camped, just me and my dad’s dog (who I borrowed), in the snowy mountains of West Virginia on our way. I built a campfire in a completely empty campground and was pretty sure I could handle anything if I could survive that bitter cold and isolation. I’ve never ever felt so capable in my life. We made it, that Aussie and me, to North Carolina only to discover it was snowing there too. I was lucky enough to run across an old friend I hadn’t seen in years who took me in, lent me a much needed shower, and gave me shelter for the week ( I wasn’t really wanting to camp in the snow for a whole week!). Six months later, I married him.

These years of my life, though I lived in absolute poverty through all of it, working three and four jobs at a time to make ends meet and pay for school and food and rent and life, these years were precious because I was so absolutely free. Freedom was a decision to load the car and fall off the grid for a while. It was searching for myself all over the country, only to learn I was looking in the wrong places. It was learning how absolutely trustworthy and compassionate humans are to a traveler without money. This freedom I cherished. The time alone. The new experiences. Freedom … to me it is as precious as the air I breathe. I imagine that I am not alone in missing it, having traded it for something else.

So now, mid-thirties, no longer able to drop off the face of the earth, no longer able to run away, no longer able to fit the things I own in my car. The greatest sources of my joy … my family, my career, my homestead, are also the things that keep freedom at bay. So I do what most of us do. I trade freedom for security. I trade freedom for responsibility. I trade absolute freedom for something different … not better or worse, but definitely different. Security, stability, the chance to make something of myself, have an impact on the world, and the opportunity to mother my children.

And maybe someday, when my kids are grown, I’ll join the Peace Corps and work human aid in Africa or move to Alaska to live in a remote cabin. But, until then, I make substitutions to quench my thirst for freedom. I find smaller ways to experience freedom in a life that feels, at times, quite bogged down with responsibility. It’s not the only means to experiencing freedom, but it is mine - no question, it’s mine. For some it’s a motorcycle, or exotic travel, or a BMW that corners at 80 but feels like 20. For me, it’s my horse who, on a cool day, can run faster than I have the courage to go, and who will always chase the illusive hawks with me, as we find freedom together, in big hay fields, on my little slice of heaven … home.

It is the Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend and I’m just now finding the time to sit down and write. We took a several mile hike through the 100 acre woods, behind our house, that connects to another hundred acres of nature preserve. My children, 6 and 7, have learned to identify mile markers that lead us from our land to Cedar Creek. The names, to me, sound like the Dora the Explorer clues. “Giant Swamp”, “Troll Bridge”, “Twin Towers”, “Monkey Island”, and the final destination, “Rushing River”… aka, Cedar Creek.

It’s the kind of day that makes it really easy to be grateful. Beautiful, calm, peaceful … and I felt that gratitude very strongly on our walk. For my amazing family, for (if not so much the house we live in) the land we live on, which I love. For watching my husband teach my children about deer trails and pointing out antler posts. These are the moments I never want to forget. And yet, an important part of gratitude, to me, is learning to be grateful for the less-than-blissful things that enter our lives. The crisis. The big loss. The little loss. The failure and the trauma. These are the things we are often tempted to meet with resistance. “Why me?” and  “This can’t be.” are the natural initial responses. Most people try to deny, minimize, and withdrawal from these “bad” things that are also a part of life.

What I have noticed is that actually embracing the bad and finding gratitude for the hidden gift, lesson, or strength that is being honed by this negative experience is important … even if you can’t yet determine what possible gift or strength is being honed. The longer you shove away the bad feelings and question “why me”, the longer it takes to learn the lesson the “bad” thing can teach you. In my experience, shoving these emotions away can also lead to depression, but that’s probably another article.

It is counter-intuitive to step into and really experience with gratitude the negative things that enter our lives and the things we bring into our lives unintentionally. And yet doing so, with an open heart, and trusting in the process that is your life, yields healing and wisdom much more quickly than denial or self-pity ever could.

There are things in life that are impossible to be happy about. I’m not happy that, after our blissful walk, we came home to find the male of the Woodpecker pair (that fed from our feeders everyday) dead, his mate at his side watching over him. I hate seeing animals die. I hate that part of life. I hate to witness suffering, I hate loss, and I really was quite smitten with that bird. Yet, it was an oddly intimate experience to watch my daughter pick him up to investigate his body in death. She placed him gingerly against a tree while my son picked the last of the year’s Mums to lay over his body. Then my daughter and I buried him while she told me what was to happen next with his soul. Death is an amazing opportunity to learn what children intuitively know of life and death … a better way to allow them to develop than to tell them what I think I know about it. Mostly I just listen and learn from their innate wisdom.

So, of all the things that happened today, the death of that beautiful bird is my least ‘favorite’. And still, there are gifts of intimacy with nature, intimacy in a shared moment with my children, and a learning moment for them about what life is, and isn’t, to them. All things, though sometimes it can take a lifetime to find the gift, are worth having gratitude for despite the package they come wrapped in.

An oldy but goody… because the swallows are back yet again…

Belief is Everything. By Emily Osbun Bermes

We have a nest of swallows, this year, in our horse barn. I am fascinated by these birds that fly with more stealth and grace than even the Red Tail Hawks do. I’ve watched these swallows build the nest, and recently populate it with 5 babies.

I recently saw one of our barn cats in full pursuit behind one of the parent swallows who was flying not more than a foot off the ground. She chased the tiny bird at full speed around the back of the barn, and out of sight. I jumped up, in a vain attempt to save the bird I was sure was about to be cat chow. Not 10 seconds later, before my feet had even left the deck, I saw the return of the cat and the bird. To my surprise, the bird was not in the cats’ teeth, but rather chasing the cat so aggressively that the cat ran straight up onto the deck seeking shelter. Not what I anticipated!

Now, you and I both know that the cat could have eaten the bird; and we all know the bird couldn’t have put a dent in the cat (not a very big one anyway). But there are times in life when belief alone can defy the laws of nature, and practical wisdom. The swallow believed he could scare off the cat… and the cat bought it.

Confidence.
No matter who we are, at some point we will doubt ourselves; it’s impossible not to. As a personal coach I’ve worked with individuals who seemed to have it all, yet doubt, for them too, was inevitable. Its one of the common denominators for being human, it seems. And yet, when faced with a challenge, imagine the difference between taking it head-on with the confidence of a swallow with the audacity to attack a cat, or taking it on more like a canary; convinced of your own delicate nature.

People will respond differently to you; depending on which belief you choose to hold about yourself: I see it everyday. “We teach people how to treat us” I’ve heard said so many times; and I honestly believe few things more strongly. If we put ourselves out there with the expectation that we will be successful, respected, listened to, taken seriously… we most often will be. If we put ourselves out there guarded, unsure of who we are, believing we will be eaten alive… we will be. The beliefs we hold about ourselves impact how others treat us dramatically.

Arrogance.
An important distinction begs to be made, however, between confident conviction and utter arrogance. It is a subtle line that most people can spot….. in others. Self-assuredness is the confidence in knowing who you are, what your talents are, and knowing exactly when and how to use them- there is authenticity in confidence. There is very little fear, and a lot of clarity- like for our swallow friend. Arrogance as I see it, is more like a peacock. Insecure, in need of attention, and falsely advertised by a huge plume of deceptively long feathers… underneath it all, a peacock is essentially a turkey, and on some level, I think he knows it. If you are going to put your energy into anything… let it be authenticity and confidence… not plumage.